I can't do this anymore...

I'm tired. Tired of everything. And here I am on the forums because I have no one else I can really talk about this to. I'm at a complete loss. So here's the situation...

I hate my life.

Tomorrow is my one year anniversary and I find myself completely unexcited about it. The reason being because it dawned on me today what I've had to deal with for now a complete year. For a year I've been told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, why to do it, and what I couldn't do in the process. What to eat. When to sleep. How to raise my daughter. "No you can't see your friends tonight because I don't want you to. I don't care if you're stressed, put down that cigarette." The list goes on and on.

You see my wife was recently diagnosed as being bi-polar so even though I know the reason for her blowing up at the slightest provocation it doesn't make the results any less horrid. What will one day make her laugh will have her foaming at the mouth the next day. She's on medication now but And even though she has medicine (when she decides to take it,) it doesn't seem to help. The tiniest thing will turn into the hugest argument and it's been slowly taking it's toll. I'm reaching the end of my rope here.

Please don't get me wrong. I love my wife very dearly and half of the time I only want to help. My love for her and Nikita is the main reason I've suffered through it this long. But love can only carry you but so far and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm angry all the time. I hardly sleep. I get so depressed that I wait for her to leave in the morning just so I can crawl into my bed and cry. I work my ass off all night long to come home to a place where I have no peace. The only solace I find is with my video games and even that's temporary. I "quit" smoking but I'm under so much stress that I have to sneak cigarettes where I can. I convinced her to let me switch to dip so that I'd have something but it doesn't seem to help. I've even gone as far to take a few dollars from the money she gives me for gas so I can buy a pack of cheap cigarettes every once in a while, just so I can make it through the night.

Then there's my "diet." Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've had a steak? A cheeseburger? Even a simple sandwich? Granted, I understand why she put me on it in the first place and I won't say that it didn't work because I'm down to 203 pounds now. But having a cheeseburger every once in a while is not what made me fat in the first place. It's having 2 or 3 of them a day that did it. I eat the same thing everyday and it's become so mundane that I have to force it down. On top of that there are plenty of instances where I've had some bread or some cheese or even a larger bowl of cereal and yet I've still lost the weight, so I question if her diet is truly as effective as I make it appear. And on the few occasions where I've done something 'wrong,' I get chastised for it like I'm a fucking 2-year old.

And then there's my daughter. I love her very much and would do anything for her (ex: the main reason I'm joining the NAVY) but it's so frustrating for her to have no respect for me or listen to a word I say. I will barely touch her and she'll scream 'ouch' and begin to cry, which will garner 'looks' from my wife and makes me feel even worse. When we're together alone, half the time it's great and the other half she's pining for "Mommy" and crying. And once my wife comes home it's like I don't even exist. Datona is aware of this fact and I will say that she's trying hard to help build our bond but it doesn't make the present any less frustrating and sometimes even infuriating. It's like I can't do anything right with my wife OR my daughter. And when I get angry or attempt to discipline her for not listening it only causes my wife to yell at me for feeling that way, which only makes me feel like I'm a horrible father.

In the end, when things are good they're great. But when they're bad they're horrible and right now it feels like the bad far outweighs the good. I'm on a constant emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off. I try my damnedest to stay positive. I keep telling myself "Hey. Things will be better once you're in the NAVY. You'll have more money and you'll both be under a lot less stress. Hang in there dude, you can do this." But the depression is so gripping sometimes that I don't even want to get out of bed. Hell I'm even tearing up just writing this. So I apologize if this is long-winded and depressing but I need HELP. I can't keep doing this forever and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. There are times when I've just wanted to end it all but then I remember how much they need me and I lose the courage to even attempt it. Please...there's got to be something better than this. Some alternative to my misery. Some way to stop feeling this way.

Help...

Wow, dude, this is a lot. And unfortunately, there are no easy answers. I've never been married, so I am woefully unqualified to even attempt to answer things here.

However, I will attempt because you are my friend.

It seems most things stem from the medical issues. She does have medication and is taking it. The key may lie in figuring out how to convince her to take it more regularly. Maybe talk to her when she's in one of her better moods? Might make it easier.

The issue with your daughter is tougher. She will likely grow out of it, but how long that will take is hard to tell. And you may not want to hear it, but going into the Navy may only make it worse initially. Though, with satellite internet and video conferencing, it's easier to stay in touch nowadays than ever before.

Keep your head up and keep pushing forward. Things are tough now, but they will work out. And we are always here for you when you need us.

*superbig hugs!!!!*

Oh wow, so much pain and stress. I empathize. I have different circumstances but tons of stress and depression lately.

(I think part of my problem is seasonal, growing up in Florida and living somewhere a LOT higher up in latitude is taxing my system in the winter.)

First of, take a deep breath. You're under so much pressure it can be easy to forget to breathe. Second- what are the chances of some counseling (either just you, both of you or the whole family) There are some issues there that need sorting- you know you're at the end of your endurance, we love and care but there's only so much we can do.

Wish I had more for you. Only other thing I can think of is to say hang in there, life has ups and downs and if you give up in the downs you never get to see the ups. Keep talking to us and getting things out of your system, sometimes just venting can relieve some of the pressure.

Well D already speaks to a psychiatrist because of her condition but that's mostly just medical advice. As for myself I have given thought about counseling but it's just simply not in the budget right now and I don't have insurance so meds are another 'No.' Like I said, please don't get me wrong. I do love my wife very much and I don't want this to end us. And when things are good they're great. Whenever she's in a calm state she's loving, caring, and wants nothing but the best for me. She worries about me constantly even when I tell her not to. She makes sure I have the things I need for work, she lets me play my video games when she knows I'm stressed and when it's really bad she'll even give me one of her cigarettes. I know she loves me the same as she tells me often. It's just that the bad seems to outweigh the good most of the time. I'm running out of options and ways to cope. Keeping my head up is just not enough.

I don't know what else to do.

Chubbalumpakis wrote:As for myself I have given thought about counseling but it's just simply not in the budget right now and I don't have insurance so meds are another 'No.'

I don't really know where you stand religiously or spiritually, but you could probably go to a church and talk to an elder or a pastor. Many that I have met would be willing to just talk, and it's pretty likely that they are pretty wise men/women who have worked with people in all crazy parts of life.

http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=USA

http://www.stressgroup.com/home.html

Maybe a little help to be found at those sites.

One is a list of helplines the other is a site with information about stress, anxiety and depression.

I don't know what else to do.

This is a guess on my part, but I think you know what you want to do already, but you're too frightened to entertain the possibility. I'd suggest that you do all that you can to improve your marriage via therapy, marital counseling, and increased communication with your spouse. If these fail to produce any viable results - then I'd suggest you contact a lawyer and explore your legal options for divorce.

I understand that your case is complex, but ultimately it comes down to improving your marriage, or leaving it and moving on with your life.

Chubbs...Check your PMs.